He gambled away $35K, she covers all the bills — Ramit Sethi weighs in on couple's messy 'mother-son' money dynamic

Taylor is a dentist who earns about $14,600 a month and has a strict savings plan. Her common-law partner, Hayden, makes $2,000 a month as a part-time bartender who “dabbles” in real estate. But it’s not his salary that’s the issue: he has a history of gambling and, for about a year, he lied about it.

While there’s an income disparity between the two, they also have polar-opposite money mindsets. She likes to save; he likes to spend. It’s also given their relationship a ‘mother-son’ dynamic, in which Taylor is the financial provider — a role that she resents.

While they’ve talked about getting married in the next two years, they’re hesitant to get engaged because of their different philosophies around money and the issues this has created.

How different money mindsets can affect couples

When Sethi asks Taylor if she trusts Hayden with money, she says: “Not my money.”

Taylor said she “cannot seem to get over the fact that he will not track his money and be financially responsible.” She’s also “scared of what our future could look like if he doesn’t get a hold of his spending or start budgeting.”

Taylor grew up in a household “marked by instability, financial stress, health issues, even incarceration,” said Sethi. Since her parents weren’t financially responsible, she stepped up and became the parent.

“Now fast forward to adulthood,” said Sethi. “Taylor’s the saver, the contributor. Her partner is unreliable with money just like her parents. And Taylor feels safest when she’s the one in control.”

Hayden, on the other hand, was 16 when his dad passed away at age 42. “Most of the guys that I know who lost their dads early have told me they expect to die at the same age. That belief that he’s going to die early shapes his view of money,” Sethi noted.

Then, Hayden got into gambling — and it “definitely became a habit, an addiction,” he said. When he first moved in with Taylor, he earned $35,000 from a house he sold but then proceeded to blow all of it in about four to five months.

He managed to keep his gambling hidden from Taylor for about a year; he even took out a personal loan just to “continue the lie.” Eventually he came clean and Taylor was “devastated.”

“I never wanted to feel like a man was just living off of me. And that’s exactly what it ended up feeling like,” said Taylor.

Hayden has started therapy and joined Gamblers Anonymous (GA), but “right now, we’re definitely in that mother-son dynamic in our relationship,” he said. “I want that gone.”

When one partner feels like the financial caretaker

A lot of Canadians have financial deal breakers in their romantic relationships, according to a recent TD survey.

Indeed, 71% of Canadians polled would consider breaking up if they discovered their partner was being dishonest about their finances, while more than half (56%) would contemplate a split from a partner with bad spending habits.

“The way one partner manages their finances can have an impact on how the other person views the future of their relationship,” said Nicole Ewing, principal of the Wealth Planning Office with TD Wealth.

“Love and money are often really intertwined because if you can’t trust your partner on money matters, you may want to reassess whether that relationship is the right fit for you,” she said.

Elsewhere in the TD survey, 70% of respondents said financial transparency and responsibility were “crucial factors” in a relationship. And nearly half of those surveyed felt that having conversations about money once or twice a month was ideal.

However, only 41% of couples have had the “money talk” with their partner after moving in together or around the time they get married.

Additionally, an RBC poll found that almost a quarter (23%) of Canadians said that it’s never been more stressful to talk to their partner about finances, with two in 10 (20%) saying their partner “simply avoids talking to me about finances.”

But perhaps one of the biggest issues? The poll also revealed how if couples do talk about money, they don’t always follow through with meaningful action. A quarter (26%) of respondents said that even though they discuss money matters, they don’t know what to do next.

Breaking free requires communication

While there’s something to be said for wanting to help out a loved one who’s struggling financially, there’s often a blurred line between helping and enabling.

Breaking free of this dynamic starts with open and honest communication, which could involve scheduling regular ‘meetings’ to discuss money matters — as opposed to impromptu discussions that could catch one partner off-guard and turn into an argument.