A mom wasn't invited to her daughter's elopement — now she's expected to help pay for the celebration party. Should she?

That gap between what a wedding is expected to cost and the final invoice is part of why some couples skip the big day altogether. But small or secret nuptials can create their own financial and emotional fallout — especially when it leaves family members feeling shut out.

In this hypothetical scenario, Taylor and her husband Kevin wanted an intimate union, so they got married with just the two of them present. Six months later, Taylor wants a party to celebrate their union, and she wants her mother, Beth, to help plan it and pay for it.

Beth, however, is hurt that she wasn’t invited to the initial ceremony, and she isn’t eager to pay for what she deems a large, expensive party.

So what should Beth do? Should she pay to keep the peace, or push back on her daughter about being left out of the wedding?

Beth should sit with her feelings of sadness

One of the most important things Beth should do is come to terms with her feelings before deciding how to move forward.

“The loss here is about a wedding that you as a parent have been dreaming about,” Cory Reid-Vanas, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in the U.S., told Moneywise, Money.ca’s sister site. “Name the grief and loss. There are missed opportunities like not seeing your daughter get ready, walking her down the aisle, or hugging her afterwards.”

Reid-Vanas recommended that Beth sit with these feelings and get to a grounded place before talking to Taylor, so she can engage in honest, open dialogue that’s healing rather than upsetting.

He also suggested Beth explore whether she can contribute money without adding to her own resentment. Meanwhile, Kiki Jacobson, a licensed mental health therapist at YourMoneyCounselor.com, stressed the importance of Beth making a decision in line with her long-term values.

“If my value is to nurture a loving, long-term relationship with my daughter, I would remind myself that respecting her autonomy means accepting that she has the right to make decisions for her life even if those decisions aren’t what I would have done,” Jacobson said.

Other experts suggested a similar approach. “Whatever decision the mother makes, it should come from a place of self-care and be consistent with her values — not guilt, fear, or punishment,” Mary McLaughlin, a licensed clinical social worker, added. “We often regret decisions we make that come from a place of resentment. Decisions that reflect our values are easier to stand behind, even if they don’t make everyone happy.”

Understanding her daughter’s perspective is key

When Beth feels ready to have a calm, constructive conversation with her daughter, that’s the next step — but it has to be done right.

“I would start with an in-person conversation focused primarily or solely on sharing feelings,” Dr. Larry Schooler, an assistant professor at the University of Texas at Austin, told Moneywise. “You deserve the chance to tell your daughter how her decision affected you.”

However, Reid-Vanas made clear the discussion shouldn’t be framed as an ultimatum. He recommended two separate conversations: one about party planning and paying, and one about how Beth was hurt. Mixing the two, he explained, tends to trigger a defensive dynamic if paying for the party gets tied to an apology from Taylor.

Schooler suggested Beth open with something like, “Before we talk about the wedding party, it’s important for me to share some of my honest feelings about all of this. And none of what I’m about to share necessarily means that I won’t help throw the party.”