Your financial horoscope: Astrology's insights into your money moves for the week ahead

My money-minded predictions are whimsically woven from church basement finance clubs, futuristic AI forecasts, prophetic dream revelations, and the brainwaves of my psychic pets network.

So, let's explore what the universe has in store for your financial well-being this week.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Money's calling, Aries! And it's saying, "Check under those couch cushions." Who knows? You might just fund your next coffee run with the treasure you find.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Hello, Taurus! This week, your snack cravings are high, but your vending machine trust is low. Remember, shaking the machine is not an approved financial strategy.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Hey Gemini, good luck making financial decisions this week. You'll change your mind more times than you change your Netflix password. Spoiler: You'll end up saving by default.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Cancers, get ready to stumble upon a gift card you forgot you had. It's like finding a twenty in your winter coat, but less cash and more, "Oh, I guess I'm shopping here."

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Leos, your cat will find money this week. No, it's not starting its hedge fund, it just found some loose change in the corner of your closet.

Read more: If you're a savvy cardholder, you'll have multiple credit cards. But how many is too many?

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Virgo, your attention to detail finally pays off. You'll find an accounting error in your favor. It's like winning the lottery, but with way less money and way more spreadsheets.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Libras, you'll achieve perfect balance this week, only to realize you've been writing cheques with a pen that has disappearing ink. So much for leaving a paper trail.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Scorpio, you'll find a foreign coin this week. It's not going to fund your retirement, but it might buy you a bubble gum in another dimension.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Sagittarius, your quest for hidden treasure leads you to the depths of your couch. Spoiler: You'll find more lint than lucrative assets.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Capricorn, a forgotten rebate cheque surfaces. It's small, but you'll feel like the Wolf of Wall Street (if the Wolf did minimal investment and maximum coupon clipping).

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Aquarius, your innovative spirit has you crafting a piggy bank out of recyclables. Spoiler: It holds more dreams than dollars.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Pisces, you're swimming in minor riches when you return those overdue library books. The catch? Your windfall is slightly offset by the library's "generous" late fees.

Madame Villamere’s Financial Astrology Disclaimer: For entertainment purposes only — your wallet's destiny is in your hands, not the stars! Invest with joy and a grain of cosmic salt.